Tuesday, August 26, 2008
UNACHEZA NA DAMU YA KICHAGGA !!
One Mhaya from Karagwe was admitted to a Hospital in Dar for a heart transplant. Prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have his type of blood in store, just in case the need would arise during the course of the surgery. Apparently he had a rare type of blood, which couldn't be easily found at the hospital. A call went out to volunteers from different regions in Tanzania.Luckily a Chagga man from Marangu had a similar type of blood. The chagga willingly donated his blood for the Haya man. After the surgery, Mhaya sent the Chagga as appreciation, a new Toyota Prado, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a million US dollars. The Chagga was of course delighted and amazed by Mhaya?s generosity. It was later discovered that the surgery was not very successful and Mhaya had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Chagga who was more than happy to donate his blood for the second time. All went well with the second surgery, and in order not to look so mean, Mhaya sent the Chagga a thank you card and a jar of sweets.The Chagga was shocked to see that this time Mhaya did not reciprocate his kindness as he had anticipated.He phoned Mhaya and said to him ?I thought you?d give me expensive gifts like you did last time. But you?ve only given me a thank you card and a jar of sweets?.To this the Haya man replied 'Massawe..... I have Chagga blood in my veins now'
KICHAA NI KICHAA
Madness at its level!!!!Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Sunday, August 24, 2008
UNAJUA MAANA YA KUKALIWA??
UNAJUA MAANA YA KUKALIWA??
Mara nyingine mtu akiishi maisha ya kujali familia huitwa amekaliwa aidha na familia au mke. Consider the following, KUKALIWA facts:
A) If KUKALIWA is to allow your wife to be a partner and participant in formulating the family budget, then I support it, becoz women are wiser spenders than men.
B) If KUKALIWA means that the family money is used by Mama Watoto to purchase stuff at Kariakoo rather than being drunk by the husband at RIVERSIDE then I support that men be KALIWAD.
C) If a KALIWAD husband is the one who wont spend ALL the monthly salary with DOGO DOGO or at KITIMOTO Bar (while his KIDS starve) then HOORAY to all KALIWAD husbands.
D) If KUKALIWA means that you are a partner to your wife, that she is your best friend, and has a higher priority than your drinking buddies then HOORAY to all KALIWAD husbands.
D) If KUKALIWA means that a HUSBAND spends quality time with his wife and kids, instead of engaging in dubious investments where he is CONNED then; "Watu wakaliwe forever"
E) If KUKALIWA means that when your wife is SICK you help her with work, that when she is overburdened you extend a helping hand then LONG LIVE Kukaliwa.
F) If KUKALIWA means that you DON'T BEAT UP your wife, that you seek assistance from your wife for they are called helpers when you have tried all the altanertives in vain, then LONG LIVE Kukaliwa.
G) If KUKALIWA means that you are at home after work, and that your wife and kids are your next of KIN then HONGERA WALE WOTE WALIOKALIWA. Na ukae hivyo hivyo! KAMA UMEKALIWA WEWE NI BINGWA!!"Stars do not struggle to shine, rivers do not struggle to flow, and you will never struggle to excel in life, because you deserve the best. Hold on to your dream and it s
H) If KUKALIWA means that you treat your wife as a human being, that you are polite, don't bark at her like a dog, DONT growl at her like a hyena, consider that after work she is as stressed as you are then VIVA KUKALIWA.
Mara nyingine mtu akiishi maisha ya kujali familia huitwa amekaliwa aidha na familia au mke. Consider the following, KUKALIWA facts:
A) If KUKALIWA is to allow your wife to be a partner and participant in formulating the family budget, then I support it, becoz women are wiser spenders than men.
B) If KUKALIWA means that the family money is used by Mama Watoto to purchase stuff at Kariakoo rather than being drunk by the husband at RIVERSIDE then I support that men be KALIWAD.
C) If a KALIWAD husband is the one who wont spend ALL the monthly salary with DOGO DOGO or at KITIMOTO Bar (while his KIDS starve) then HOORAY to all KALIWAD husbands.
D) If KUKALIWA means that you are a partner to your wife, that she is your best friend, and has a higher priority than your drinking buddies then HOORAY to all KALIWAD husbands.
D) If KUKALIWA means that a HUSBAND spends quality time with his wife and kids, instead of engaging in dubious investments where he is CONNED then; "Watu wakaliwe forever"
E) If KUKALIWA means that when your wife is SICK you help her with work, that when she is overburdened you extend a helping hand then LONG LIVE Kukaliwa.
F) If KUKALIWA means that you DON'T BEAT UP your wife, that you seek assistance from your wife for they are called helpers when you have tried all the altanertives in vain, then LONG LIVE Kukaliwa.
G) If KUKALIWA means that you are at home after work, and that your wife and kids are your next of KIN then HONGERA WALE WOTE WALIOKALIWA. Na ukae hivyo hivyo! KAMA UMEKALIWA WEWE NI BINGWA!!"Stars do not struggle to shine, rivers do not struggle to flow, and you will never struggle to excel in life, because you deserve the best. Hold on to your dream and it s
H) If KUKALIWA means that you treat your wife as a human being, that you are polite, don't bark at her like a dog, DONT growl at her like a hyena, consider that after work she is as stressed as you are then VIVA KUKALIWA.
WAZAZI TUNAPASWA KUWA KARIBU NA WATOTO WETU
WAZAZI TWAPASWA KUWA KARIBU NA WATOTO
Sasa imekuwa ni jambo la kawaida kusikia habari za kusikitisha kwenye magazeti na vyombo vya habari, inatisha sana. Wazazi twapaswa kuwa waoga sana na ulimwengu huu wa sasa.
Kuna familia ambayo ilijaliwa kuwa na watoto wawili wa kike wenye akili sana na ilikuwa ni familia yenye furaha. Binti zao walikuwa wanafanya vizuri sana katika masomo yao na walimu waliwapenda sana. Wazazi wao walikuwa na upendo mkubwa kiasi hawakutaka mabinti zao wawe na mazoea na vijana wengine wa jirani kwa hiyo muda mwingi walikuwa wakirudi shule wako ndani tu na hawaruhusiwi kutoka hii ilikuwa ni katika kuwalinda na vijana wabaya. Wakiwa nyumbani walikuwa wanapenda kushinda chumbani na wazazi waliona kuwa binti zao wanaadabu sana kwa kukaa ndani.
Usiku mmoja waliamshwa na sauti kubwa ya kilio kutoka chumba cha mabinti zao. Walivyoenda huko walikuta binti yao mmoja amelala chini na ameloa damu wakasogea kumuangalia kuwa amepatwa na nini. Wakakuta katika uke wake kuna "test tube", binti yao mdogo amesimama pembeni mtupu hakuwa na neno la kueleza. Wakajaribu kuitoa ila ikavunjika, kwa hiyo wakamkimbiza hospitali lakini hali ilikuwa mbaya maana alikuwa anatoka damu sana, na bahati mbaya binti akafariki. Binti mdogo alipoulizwa, akajibu kwa sauti ya huruma "tulikuwa kila siku tunafanya hivyo nyumbani kwa sababu tunawaona wasichana wenzetu wakifanya hivyo shule, kwa hiyo tukajua kuwa tuko sawa kwa kuwa hakuna aliyekuwa anaongea nasi juu ya hilo" (akimaanisha wazazi wao). Kwa kuwa alishindwa kuvumilia maumivu ya kuondokewa na dada yake alipofika nyumbani akajinyonga chumbani kwake. Wazazi wale waliwakosa mabinti zao wapendwa na wenye akili.
Wazazi tunapaswa kukaa na watoto wetu na kuongea nao juu ya mambo mbali mbali yatokeayo kwenye jamii. Watoto wawe marafiki zetu ili wawe huru kuuliza lolote limkwazalo
Sasa imekuwa ni jambo la kawaida kusikia habari za kusikitisha kwenye magazeti na vyombo vya habari, inatisha sana. Wazazi twapaswa kuwa waoga sana na ulimwengu huu wa sasa.
Kuna familia ambayo ilijaliwa kuwa na watoto wawili wa kike wenye akili sana na ilikuwa ni familia yenye furaha. Binti zao walikuwa wanafanya vizuri sana katika masomo yao na walimu waliwapenda sana. Wazazi wao walikuwa na upendo mkubwa kiasi hawakutaka mabinti zao wawe na mazoea na vijana wengine wa jirani kwa hiyo muda mwingi walikuwa wakirudi shule wako ndani tu na hawaruhusiwi kutoka hii ilikuwa ni katika kuwalinda na vijana wabaya. Wakiwa nyumbani walikuwa wanapenda kushinda chumbani na wazazi waliona kuwa binti zao wanaadabu sana kwa kukaa ndani.
Usiku mmoja waliamshwa na sauti kubwa ya kilio kutoka chumba cha mabinti zao. Walivyoenda huko walikuta binti yao mmoja amelala chini na ameloa damu wakasogea kumuangalia kuwa amepatwa na nini. Wakakuta katika uke wake kuna "test tube", binti yao mdogo amesimama pembeni mtupu hakuwa na neno la kueleza. Wakajaribu kuitoa ila ikavunjika, kwa hiyo wakamkimbiza hospitali lakini hali ilikuwa mbaya maana alikuwa anatoka damu sana, na bahati mbaya binti akafariki. Binti mdogo alipoulizwa, akajibu kwa sauti ya huruma "tulikuwa kila siku tunafanya hivyo nyumbani kwa sababu tunawaona wasichana wenzetu wakifanya hivyo shule, kwa hiyo tukajua kuwa tuko sawa kwa kuwa hakuna aliyekuwa anaongea nasi juu ya hilo" (akimaanisha wazazi wao). Kwa kuwa alishindwa kuvumilia maumivu ya kuondokewa na dada yake alipofika nyumbani akajinyonga chumbani kwake. Wazazi wale waliwakosa mabinti zao wapendwa na wenye akili.
Wazazi tunapaswa kukaa na watoto wetu na kuongea nao juu ya mambo mbali mbali yatokeayo kwenye jamii. Watoto wawe marafiki zetu ili wawe huru kuuliza lolote limkwazalo
KAMA NI WEWE UNGEFANYAJE??
Mama Wawili bought a new handset and a new line.She wanted to surprise her husband.In the evening, the husband was in the sitting room watching TV while she was in the kitchen.She called her husband from the kitchen "to surprise him".The husband quickly picked up the phone, run to the bedroom without asking who was on the line (thinking that must be his girlfriend) he said:“Darling kata nitakupigia baadae kidogo, hili lijinga liko jikoni saa hizi likisikia litaanza ile mikelele yake, nalilia timing nitalitoka sasa hivi"He then hanged up.Ungekuwa wewe ungefanya nini kwa huyu mwanaume?
Mama Wawili bought a new handset and a new line.She wanted to surprise her husband.In the evening, the husband was in the sitting room watching TV while she was in the kitchen.She called her husband from the kitchen "to surprise him".The husband quickly picked up the phone, run to the bedroom without asking who was on the line (thinking that must be his girlfriend) he said:“Darling kata nitakupigia baadae kidogo, hili lijinga liko jikoni saa hizi likisikia litaanza ile mikelele yake, nalilia timing nitalitoka sasa hivi"He then hanged up.Ungekuwa wewe ungefanya nini kwa huyu mwanaume?
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
9 WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh:
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7) A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring on a "whatever").
8) Whatever:
Is a women's way of saying ____ YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it:
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Men - be warned about this
Women- laugh about it cause you know its true
Sunday, August 17, 2008
QUOTES
Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall."
"True Love Is Like Ghosts Every Body Talk About It, Few Have Seen""Once you accept someone for who and what they really are, they will really surprise you by being better than you ever expected.""Know love, know happiness. No love, no happiness." "I love you not because I need you, But I need you because I love you." "Love is loving/ accepting a person with all his/her strength and weaknesses.""Never love a love that hurts, never hurt a love that loves." "Love is not for the one you love, it is for the one who makes you feel special, with whom you laugh, cry, share, with whom you are yourself, who makes a difference to your life, makes you feel....love.""Lucky is the man who is the first love of a woman but luckier is the woman who is the last love of a man.""Pain is to know that someone whom you love, is in love with someone else.""You came from no where, and in no time got close.., not to me, but to my heart.""Love is not something that happens on first sight, it happens when you start knowing each other and in turn end up needing each other, for every feeling, for every thought and for every moment." "When two friends fall in love they learn they are meant for each other. When they fall out of love they realize they want to keep each other forever.""I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out." "Love is seeing yourself in someone's eyes and finding yourself in somebody's heart.""Once you have loved, you will always love. For what's in your mind may escape but what's in your heart will remain forever.""All my life I was afraid that I would never find love.... and now that I've found it, I'm afraid that I will lose it." "Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer." "If I am given a chance to change one thing in this world, I will change the order of alphabets and place U and I together.""No man/woman is worth your tears and the only one who is, will never make you cry. ""If a hug represented how much I loved you, I would hold you in my arms forever." "We laughed until we had to cry, we hugged right down to our last goodbye, we were the best we'll ever be, just for a moment, you and me." "I may not get to see you as often as I'd like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep inside my heart I know, this is for real And no matter what, I'll always love you." "I'd walk half way around the world... for just one kiss from you..." "Distance can't keep us apart 'cause you'll always live within my heart." "If you love someone, put their name in a circle, instead of a heart, because hearts can break, but circles go on forever." "Every moment of life is so precious and every moment I'm not with you is a moment wasted!"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her." "It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone--but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.""Don't frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile!""It breaks your heart to see the one you love is happy with someone else ... but it's more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.""To be is to love, to love you is to be...""Some thought are better left unsaid, some feelings are better left kept to yourself, but love has it's way of expressing itself despite the silence.""It's not being in love that makes me happy. It's being in love with YOU that makes me happy." "You know you are in love when every time you close your eyes, you see that special someone." "I don't miss you and you alone... I miss you and me together." "You and love came into my life at the very same moment."I M STILL ALONE
"True Love Is Like Ghosts Every Body Talk About It, Few Have Seen""Once you accept someone for who and what they really are, they will really surprise you by being better than you ever expected.""Know love, know happiness. No love, no happiness." "I love you not because I need you, But I need you because I love you." "Love is loving/ accepting a person with all his/her strength and weaknesses.""Never love a love that hurts, never hurt a love that loves." "Love is not for the one you love, it is for the one who makes you feel special, with whom you laugh, cry, share, with whom you are yourself, who makes a difference to your life, makes you feel....love.""Lucky is the man who is the first love of a woman but luckier is the woman who is the last love of a man.""Pain is to know that someone whom you love, is in love with someone else.""You came from no where, and in no time got close.., not to me, but to my heart.""Love is not something that happens on first sight, it happens when you start knowing each other and in turn end up needing each other, for every feeling, for every thought and for every moment." "When two friends fall in love they learn they are meant for each other. When they fall out of love they realize they want to keep each other forever.""I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out." "Love is seeing yourself in someone's eyes and finding yourself in somebody's heart.""Once you have loved, you will always love. For what's in your mind may escape but what's in your heart will remain forever.""All my life I was afraid that I would never find love.... and now that I've found it, I'm afraid that I will lose it." "Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer." "If I am given a chance to change one thing in this world, I will change the order of alphabets and place U and I together.""No man/woman is worth your tears and the only one who is, will never make you cry. ""If a hug represented how much I loved you, I would hold you in my arms forever." "We laughed until we had to cry, we hugged right down to our last goodbye, we were the best we'll ever be, just for a moment, you and me." "I may not get to see you as often as I'd like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep inside my heart I know, this is for real And no matter what, I'll always love you." "I'd walk half way around the world... for just one kiss from you..." "Distance can't keep us apart 'cause you'll always live within my heart." "If you love someone, put their name in a circle, instead of a heart, because hearts can break, but circles go on forever." "Every moment of life is so precious and every moment I'm not with you is a moment wasted!"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her." "It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone--but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.""Don't frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile!""It breaks your heart to see the one you love is happy with someone else ... but it's more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.""To be is to love, to love you is to be...""Some thought are better left unsaid, some feelings are better left kept to yourself, but love has it's way of expressing itself despite the silence.""It's not being in love that makes me happy. It's being in love with YOU that makes me happy." "You know you are in love when every time you close your eyes, you see that special someone." "I don't miss you and you alone... I miss you and me together." "You and love came into my life at the very same moment."I M STILL ALONE
THESE ARE JOKES !!


A judge asked a woman on why she wanted a divorce. She answered, "Your Honor, he knew I'm a vegetarian n yet he still insists on putting his meat in my mouth."
2. Woman: Dr. An ant entered my vagina, please take it out.
Doctor removes her panties and start making love .
Woman: What are you doing?
Doctor: This is the only way to drown the bastard!
3.Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
Ans: YOUR SALARY. It comes once a month last 3 –4 days & if it doesn't come you are in deep trouble!
4.A lady visited her doctor again, Dr. said: U look more sick & exhausted then b 4.
Are u having 3 meals a day as I advised?
Lady: WHAT? I thought u said 3 MALES a day!!!!
5.Women asked God to make The Penis Pretty. GOD Said" No way; Now As It Is,The Penis is so ugly & U still Suck It. If I make it Pretty You'll Eat It up!!
6. A nun went 4 a urine test. The sample got mixed up. When the doctor told her she waz pregnant,she cried n said," Shit,we can't even trust cucumber anymore.!
7. A boy pulls down his pants in front of a girl & asked" Do U have this? " The girl lifted up her skirt & said," My mom said with this I can have a lot of THAT!"
8. Schoolgirl: I do not want to take the SEX EDUCATION. Class Teacher: Why not? Schoolgirl: Someone told me the FINAL EXAM would be ORAL!"
9. Mother asks daughter, how is married life? Daughter shyly says like BRITISH AIRWAYS. Mother reads the ad & is shocked " 7 DAYS A WEEK,TWICE A DAY,BOTH WAYS!
10. What is the STRONGEST muscle? TONGUE- It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick!. The lightest muscle? PENIS! It can be raised by a woman's tongue!
11. Lady Immigration officer asked a Korean tourist: Name? Park Yu.
The 0fficer become angry & shouted back: FUCK YOU! Now what's your full name? Korean replied: PARK YU TOO!!
12. Man to wife: Business is bad if u learn 2 cook we can remove servant. Wife:
ASSHOLE! If u learn how to fuck we can remove driver, gardener & watchman..
13. COCK say to his two BALLS: I am going to take you with me to a party. BALLS said: You big fucking liar. You always get INSIDE and leave us waiting OUTSIDE!
14. A baby dog asked mama dog how papa look like? Mama dog reply: How I know. Your papa came from behind & I didn't have chance to see his face" !
15.What's the difference between stress, tension & panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, PANIC is when both are pregnan
t!
2. Woman: Dr. An ant entered my vagina, please take it out.
Doctor removes her panties and start making love .
Woman: What are you doing?
Doctor: This is the only way to drown the bastard!
3.Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
Ans: YOUR SALARY. It comes once a month last 3 –4 days & if it doesn't come you are in deep trouble!
4.A lady visited her doctor again, Dr. said: U look more sick & exhausted then b 4.
Are u having 3 meals a day as I advised?
Lady: WHAT? I thought u said 3 MALES a day!!!!
5.Women asked God to make The Penis Pretty. GOD Said" No way; Now As It Is,The Penis is so ugly & U still Suck It. If I make it Pretty You'll Eat It up!!
6. A nun went 4 a urine test. The sample got mixed up. When the doctor told her she waz pregnant,she cried n said," Shit,we can't even trust cucumber anymore.!
7. A boy pulls down his pants in front of a girl & asked" Do U have this? " The girl lifted up her skirt & said," My mom said with this I can have a lot of THAT!"
8. Schoolgirl: I do not want to take the SEX EDUCATION. Class Teacher: Why not? Schoolgirl: Someone told me the FINAL EXAM would be ORAL!"
9. Mother asks daughter, how is married life? Daughter shyly says like BRITISH AIRWAYS. Mother reads the ad & is shocked " 7 DAYS A WEEK,TWICE A DAY,BOTH WAYS!
10. What is the STRONGEST muscle? TONGUE- It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick!. The lightest muscle? PENIS! It can be raised by a woman's tongue!
11. Lady Immigration officer asked a Korean tourist: Name? Park Yu.
The 0fficer become angry & shouted back: FUCK YOU! Now what's your full name? Korean replied: PARK YU TOO!!
12. Man to wife: Business is bad if u learn 2 cook we can remove servant. Wife:
ASSHOLE! If u learn how to fuck we can remove driver, gardener & watchman..
13. COCK say to his two BALLS: I am going to take you with me to a party. BALLS said: You big fucking liar. You always get INSIDE and leave us waiting OUTSIDE!
14. A baby dog asked mama dog how papa look like? Mama dog reply: How I know. Your papa came from behind & I didn't have chance to see his face" !
15.What's the difference between stress, tension & panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, PANIC is when both are pregnan
t!
EROTS


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